Things I Say to My Cats, or Why I Do Not Have a Dog

No one cares about your problems.

You're the prettiest kitty that ever lived in the whole world.

You are covered in hair.

Stop doing the thing that you are doing.

No one likes that. No one thinks it's good.

Everyone loves you.

You have to eat the food that is there, even though you hate it.

I'm going to call the Health Department on you.

God cried when you were born.

You could just sit still and be petted. But instead you are terrible.

Do not touch my eye with your foot please.

Why do you do these things.

Stop crying. No one cares.

Do not punch the bunny.

You're bad, and no one likes you.

Child Protective Services is coming.

[To hypothetical or real other person or animal] Look, there goes ______. She wears the same thing every day.

You could be outside in the snow but instead you are here complaining like a little bitch.

You cannot do this horrible thing you are doing in my office.

OK, that's enough murder for now. You're done. Thank you. Thank you. Good kitty.